The Seeker (My Sonnet)

I look upon the world with open eyes,

Days past and for time seems so far yet close.

An erudite maiden sends her goodbyes.

They say I’ve got it, enough for a dose.

I adore this sphere, as do I love her.

The children lose their open want for air.

The time is ticking; it all turns to blur.

A tender promise shown with little care.

The seeking of thou is lost and hiding.

I want to see it all before I go.

A gift that values the sight of seeing,

Oh she blooms and learns, I watch as she grows.

To the world I’ll never leave, I thank you.

Spiritually I gaze from this calm view.

Sonnet 75 (Response to Poem)

So are you to my thoughts as food to life,
Or as sweet-season'd showers are to the ground;
And for the peace of you I hold such strife
As 'twixt a miser and his wealth is found;
Now proud as an enjoyer and anon
Doubting the filching age will steal his treasure,
Now counting best to be with you alone, 
Then better'd that the world may see my pleasure;
Sometime all full with feasting on your sight
And by and by clean starved for a look;
Possessing or pursuing no delight, 
Save what is had or must from you be took.
Thus do I pine and surfeit day by day, 
Or gluttoning on all, or all away.


            Sonnet 75 written by William Shakespeare is very different. The comparison of want and food is compatible. The narrator has this urgent need to see this girl that he wants. The way he compares it to food is unique because in order for us humans to live, we rely on food  because we need it. Without food, we'll die. As I read this sonnet, I didn't have a hard time understanding it because it was very simple and easy to comprehend.
            "Sometime all full with feasting on your sight (line 9)" shows the comparison to food. The narrator talks about how they are full from the sight of whoever they want. The following line talks about how they long for a look or a glance from the person they want. The way both of these lines are phrased shows the desperate need and attention that the narrator is seeking. Throughout the sonnet, the sign of desperation keeps reoccurring. 
            The narrator of this sonnet makes me chuckle and laugh. They seem very indecisive about what they want. For example, "Now counting best to be with you alone,/Then bettered that the world may see my pleasure," shows how the narrator is very indecisive. They say how one moment it is best to be alone with who they want, but then another moment it is best for the world to see the pleasure that the narrator is having. It is almost like the narrator wants the world to see the beauty of this person, but then they also want this person to themselves. 
          This sonnet was really enjoyable to read. Most of William Shakespeare's sonnet are love based, but what made this one special was the comparison to food, which is something we as consumers depend on. The narrator's indecisiveness made a drive for this sonnet. The desperation shown shows how the narrator would "die" without the person they want. All in all, this sonnet was very unique and one of the best that I've read this year. 

3 Poems

1. What is poetry...?

Poetry is the flow
of words running rampantly.
The rhythm taps along
with a
constant
beat.
The words express their feelings.

2. What happens to...?

What happens to those
who lose who they love?
The emptiness haunts them
like a non stop nightmare.
The absence of them is
still, quiet, and
lonely.

The old flashbacks
leads to us trying to seek solace.
But often it isn't there.
Flashbacks repair themselves
and create a pavement.

3. Artwork Poem
*** Can be found in  'Still Life With Black Clock by Paul Cézanne' post.

Still Life With Black Clock by Paul Cézanne

Still Life With Black Clock (1870)

            Paul Cézanne was born in the year 1839. As a child, his father was a strict hardened business man who treated him unfairly and strictly. Although that might not seem like the best relationship, Cézanne got along well with his mother and his sister. He went to law school in Aix. Soon enough, he also went to an informal art school called Atlelier Suisse and he began to doubt his ability to paint. After 5 months, he finally gave up and returned to working in his father's bank. Even though he gave up, he started trying to improve his skills by drawing delicated colors. He disliked it when spectators watched him as he painted. Most of the time Cézanne appeared to be shy, awkward, moody, and rude. You can kind of see this through his paintings too. Many think his paintings are violent and nightmarish. His paintings are mostly painted with dark colors. I think something that has led to this dark painting phase is because of his parent's passing. His mother's passing affected him alot too. In the 1890s time period, Cézanne began painting many portraits of family and friends, which I find interesting. It almost seems to me that he is trying to save the memories of these people onto canvas or a sheet of paper before they leave him too. Along with making beautiful artwork, Cézanne admired some well known artists like Rubens and Michelangelo. 

            The piece of artwork that captured my eye was the one above called Still Life With a Black Clock. One of the many things that I've noticed about this picture is that the clock doesn't have hands. This makes me wonder if it was done on purpose since the title of this piece is Still Life With a Black Clock . The clock not having hands could lead to time stopping or pausing for something. Or it could also possibly show how slow life is. I like how there are other objects in this painting. Even though it has been told that Cézanne's paintings are violentish, this piece of artwork is rather quite quiet and calm to me. I like that the background colors don't overpower the painting too much. The object that I like the most from the painting is the shell. I think it brings a lot of color to the room. It some what lights up the room. The detailing on the shell makes it look rough and bumpy. This is a weird observation, but the shell reminds me the sound of the ocean and the clock reminds me of a constant, steady tick. When you combine those two together, the sound that those two objects make together seems like it sounds very halcyon and tranquil. The interpretation that I have for this picture is that maybe Cézanne made this art work when he was in a quiet and calm state. Whenever I look at this picture, it reminds me of him sitting down painting to soothing quiet music. 

            This piece of artwork reminds me of memories. I know it's strange. All this thinking that I've been doing is strange, but the shell is what I've been focused on. The shell is so fragile and sometimes it's overlooked by us. The beauty inside it is magnificent and beautiful. The song of the sea is captured in a shell, big or small. Every shell has the sound of the sea within them. This reminds me of memories because all of our memories are collected and gathered together to compose all these bitter-sweet moments together. They migh be forgotten for awhile, but the fact is that these memories that we create never leave us. The sound of the sea will never be lost, simply because it stays within the shell. This is where the whole "calming" thing comes in too.  This also pops the question: why do some of us try to create memories that were never there? These memories become fake memories. They are almost like fantasy memories. They are unrealistic and are composed of all these thoughts and ideas that have never happened. 

The Nonexistent Memory 

Captured in a shell, is the sound of the ocean.

Like a memory.

What if it held something different?

Like a fake memory.

What if we could remember things

that we’ve never experienced?

Fiction.

If you remember something,

something that didn’t happen,

a fake memory,

then wouldn’t it be a dream?

Dreams and fantasies only go so far.

But what if fiction becomes

reality?

            

I've Gone Bovine

            Since the last time I read this book, I've done a lot of thinking. The fact that death is placed upon us at a certain time doesn't scare as much, but the reality of it happening any time soon scares me. Otherwise, I've started reading right where I left off. The book has a few reoccurring scenes. I hadn't exactly realized how important the setting was until I realized that this one particular scene kept repeating itself. It was rather quite redundant.
            Cameron keeps having these flashbacks to when he was 5. His very first flashback starts right when the book starts (2). To be honest, I think Libba Bray is just trying to show how important this scene is. Cameron goes on about the Small World ride at Disney and how everything was so surreal. Soon (3), Cameron realizes how fake this ride is. I couldn't agree more. He realizes that all the dolls get along fairly too well and that the ride is unrealistic. The topic of death gazes his 5 year old mind and that is when he started panicking and getting scared. He then falls into the water of the ride and half heartedly drowns because he doesn't know how to swim. I think this whole setting makes the plot so connectable. The reason why I think many of us can make this connection is because we have all grown up knowing that "Disney is the happiest place on Earth!" These expectations of Disney being such a fantasied, problem free world makes all of us happy. 
            Having that I've gone to Disney World before, I know that the Small World ride is very popular. I even remember when I embarrassingly begged my mother, father, and brother to wait in line with me to go on this ride. (I was 11 then, but obviously the young child inside of me came out.) The line was extremely long. When I had finally gotten seated into the ride, seeing all these dolls from around the world seemed magical. Although it was magical, it freaked me out a little too. These dolls seemed nightmarish to me. As you can see, I'm kind of crazy and I get paranoid about really stupid things. Dolls soon officially became something that gave me the heebie jeebies.
            One hundred sixty-four pages later, the same Disney World flashback happens again. This triggers the thought that maybe there is a hint in that scene that helps Cameron help him recover from this mad cow disease. Or maybe there is a clue in that scene that helps him find Dr. X who can heal him. If this scene wasn't so important, I don't think Bray would be this repetitive and include it in the book a handful times.

The Artist's Wife Asleep (Visual Art Assignment)

Here is the picture that I chose: http://www.moma.org/collection/browse_results.php?criteria=O%3ADE%3AI%3A3%7CG%3AHI%3AE%3A1&page_number=750&template_id=1&sort_order=4
Observations:

• The drawing seems very soft and settled down.
• Not much going on 
• Very simple, but then simplicity can lead to many different story plots for this lady
• The head is the most focused and detailed part of the body; the arm that's in the picture doesn't seem as important, nor does the bed sheet.
• The setting isn't very specific. Its just there.
• Everything around is soft, but towards the ends of the hair it becomes more harsh, or maybe the artist just pushed his pencil harder.
• Shadowing

Inferences:

• Before reading the title of the drawing, I thought it was a woman who passed. He could be trying to save this memory so that it isn't forever gone.
• The artist could possibly trying to capture this quiet, but beautiful moment with his wife.
• Maybe the artist doesn't have much time with his wife, maybe he's just simply trying to capture this picture of his wife before she possibly leaves him.

Interpretation: Looking at this drawing, I think the message that the artist is very simple. To me, I feel like he's trying to express the beauty of his wife when she's asleep. When people are asleep, that is before the world asks or has expectations for her. Every time I look at this picture I hear a silent hum in the back. I don't know why. Its like the picture itself is very relaxing and it isn't demanding at all.

Escaping my Liam Cocoon

This body is not meant for me.
I don't like it.
It fights who I am.
I don't deserve to be trapped
like a black dove.

I want Regan's body.
I want to be Regan.
I want all the parts that Regan has.
I want to be a girl.

No one accepts me.
Not for who I really am.
This isn't some alter ego
that some five year-old has.
It really isn't.
I long to be Luna.
I am Luna.

Liam doesn't reflect me,
he's not who I am.
I don't want to be trapped in this body.
It's like I'm constantly gasping for air.
It's like I don't belong.

All this hiding,
it's not worth it anymore.
I am Luna.

            Just about a few days ago, I finished re-reading Luna by Julie Anne Peters. This book has grown to be a favorite of mine. Peters cleverly writes this book from the perspective of Regan, who is Liam/Luna's younger sister. As the younger sister, she strives to supports Luna's spirit and pride. I can't simply imagine how hard it must be on her part to help Liam go through this gender transition. Liam, the well respected and extremely smart boy, is the boy that everyone wants, but this isn't the boy that Liam wants to be. Liam wants to be Luna. The create less confusion, Liam is Luna, but Luna is just the girl form of Liam. THAT is who Liam wants to be.
            Liam encounters so many problems, which is why I like him so much as a character. From a young age, Liam liked playing the mommy role when playing dress up (4,5). Regan noticed that too from a young age, but never seemed to fast to judge Liam. She understood and was along there by his side every second. Growing up, Liam's dad had always pushed him to play sports. His father pressured him into trying out for the baseball team and finally, Liam gave in, trying to make his father proud. But what's the truth behind it all? Liam was born into the wrong body. This "boy" body that he "belonged" to wasn't fit for him. He doesn't want to play sports or work at the Jiffy Lube shop like his dad asks him to. These are all just expectations. What good are expectations when you can't overachieve them? What good are they if tried constantly and still can't achieve them? All you're left with is that feeling of failure and not ever being good enough. And that, is what Liam feels constantly.
            Luna, the real inner girl inside of Liam, is a completely different person. She wants to change so badly to become an actual girl, which means Regan has a transsexual brother. Often times, you'll find Luna in Regan's room hiding behind the shadow of Liam, the caricature that Luna made. She tries on Regan's dresses, different make up looks, clothes, and so on. In the poem above, I write how Luna longs to have Regan's body. Liam was born into the wrong body; the body betrayed who he was. The body didn't reflect his inner image. Internal or external, Liam/Luna were both great people that I have grown to love.
            When I read the pages towards the end of the book, I broke down. I started crying. I couldn't help it. The fact that Luna couldn't be accepted for who she was disappointed me a lot. There was that nasty aching feeling in my stomach when I read the letter that Luna left for Regan before she left to live a new life. In the poem, I wrote "all this hiding, it's not worth it anymore," because honestly, this hiding wasn't worth it. It caused more unneeded pain on both Liam/Luna. I disliked how his parent's were not supportive at all. I understand that it might be hard to accept the fact that your son is transsexual, but even after he straight up told you, wouldn't it be smart to put into consideration on how you should help him? Leaving Liam alone on this gender transition alone is horrible. I think that having no guardian support doesn't help the situation what so ever. I think it makes it worse. This makes the child question him/her whether they should really go through this transition. Next thing you know, this might even lead to suicide or depression or doubt.
            This inspired me to write a poem about Luna's emotions. I think I've done a good job capturing her feelings within a poem. It shows her wants in this world. I like the fact that I said "this isn't some alter ego" because it isn't. This isn't a joke to Luna. She really does want to be a girl. I feel that she feels that she isn't fully "complete" until she under goes this whole process of transformation into fully becoming a girl. To me, I don't think she's asking for too much. At the end of the day, Luna just wants to be accepted and loved. That's harder on her part since she doesn't have that comfort blanket over her.
            All in all, this book is wonderfully written. Knowing who you are and not doubting it makes Luna ten times as confident and it strengths her thoughts. After all, Luna is "a girl who can only be seen in the moonlight."