I've Gone Bovine

            Since the last time I read this book, I've done a lot of thinking. The fact that death is placed upon us at a certain time doesn't scare as much, but the reality of it happening any time soon scares me. Otherwise, I've started reading right where I left off. The book has a few reoccurring scenes. I hadn't exactly realized how important the setting was until I realized that this one particular scene kept repeating itself. It was rather quite redundant.
            Cameron keeps having these flashbacks to when he was 5. His very first flashback starts right when the book starts (2). To be honest, I think Libba Bray is just trying to show how important this scene is. Cameron goes on about the Small World ride at Disney and how everything was so surreal. Soon (3), Cameron realizes how fake this ride is. I couldn't agree more. He realizes that all the dolls get along fairly too well and that the ride is unrealistic. The topic of death gazes his 5 year old mind and that is when he started panicking and getting scared. He then falls into the water of the ride and half heartedly drowns because he doesn't know how to swim. I think this whole setting makes the plot so connectable. The reason why I think many of us can make this connection is because we have all grown up knowing that "Disney is the happiest place on Earth!" These expectations of Disney being such a fantasied, problem free world makes all of us happy. 
            Having that I've gone to Disney World before, I know that the Small World ride is very popular. I even remember when I embarrassingly begged my mother, father, and brother to wait in line with me to go on this ride. (I was 11 then, but obviously the young child inside of me came out.) The line was extremely long. When I had finally gotten seated into the ride, seeing all these dolls from around the world seemed magical. Although it was magical, it freaked me out a little too. These dolls seemed nightmarish to me. As you can see, I'm kind of crazy and I get paranoid about really stupid things. Dolls soon officially became something that gave me the heebie jeebies.
            One hundred sixty-four pages later, the same Disney World flashback happens again. This triggers the thought that maybe there is a hint in that scene that helps Cameron help him recover from this mad cow disease. Or maybe there is a clue in that scene that helps him find Dr. X who can heal him. If this scene wasn't so important, I don't think Bray would be this repetitive and include it in the book a handful times.

The Artist's Wife Asleep (Visual Art Assignment)

Here is the picture that I chose: http://www.moma.org/collection/browse_results.php?criteria=O%3ADE%3AI%3A3%7CG%3AHI%3AE%3A1&page_number=750&template_id=1&sort_order=4
Observations:

• The drawing seems very soft and settled down.
• Not much going on 
• Very simple, but then simplicity can lead to many different story plots for this lady
• The head is the most focused and detailed part of the body; the arm that's in the picture doesn't seem as important, nor does the bed sheet.
• The setting isn't very specific. Its just there.
• Everything around is soft, but towards the ends of the hair it becomes more harsh, or maybe the artist just pushed his pencil harder.
• Shadowing

Inferences:

• Before reading the title of the drawing, I thought it was a woman who passed. He could be trying to save this memory so that it isn't forever gone.
• The artist could possibly trying to capture this quiet, but beautiful moment with his wife.
• Maybe the artist doesn't have much time with his wife, maybe he's just simply trying to capture this picture of his wife before she possibly leaves him.

Interpretation: Looking at this drawing, I think the message that the artist is very simple. To me, I feel like he's trying to express the beauty of his wife when she's asleep. When people are asleep, that is before the world asks or has expectations for her. Every time I look at this picture I hear a silent hum in the back. I don't know why. Its like the picture itself is very relaxing and it isn't demanding at all.

Escaping my Liam Cocoon

This body is not meant for me.
I don't like it.
It fights who I am.
I don't deserve to be trapped
like a black dove.

I want Regan's body.
I want to be Regan.
I want all the parts that Regan has.
I want to be a girl.

No one accepts me.
Not for who I really am.
This isn't some alter ego
that some five year-old has.
It really isn't.
I long to be Luna.
I am Luna.

Liam doesn't reflect me,
he's not who I am.
I don't want to be trapped in this body.
It's like I'm constantly gasping for air.
It's like I don't belong.

All this hiding,
it's not worth it anymore.
I am Luna.

            Just about a few days ago, I finished re-reading Luna by Julie Anne Peters. This book has grown to be a favorite of mine. Peters cleverly writes this book from the perspective of Regan, who is Liam/Luna's younger sister. As the younger sister, she strives to supports Luna's spirit and pride. I can't simply imagine how hard it must be on her part to help Liam go through this gender transition. Liam, the well respected and extremely smart boy, is the boy that everyone wants, but this isn't the boy that Liam wants to be. Liam wants to be Luna. The create less confusion, Liam is Luna, but Luna is just the girl form of Liam. THAT is who Liam wants to be.
            Liam encounters so many problems, which is why I like him so much as a character. From a young age, Liam liked playing the mommy role when playing dress up (4,5). Regan noticed that too from a young age, but never seemed to fast to judge Liam. She understood and was along there by his side every second. Growing up, Liam's dad had always pushed him to play sports. His father pressured him into trying out for the baseball team and finally, Liam gave in, trying to make his father proud. But what's the truth behind it all? Liam was born into the wrong body. This "boy" body that he "belonged" to wasn't fit for him. He doesn't want to play sports or work at the Jiffy Lube shop like his dad asks him to. These are all just expectations. What good are expectations when you can't overachieve them? What good are they if tried constantly and still can't achieve them? All you're left with is that feeling of failure and not ever being good enough. And that, is what Liam feels constantly.
            Luna, the real inner girl inside of Liam, is a completely different person. She wants to change so badly to become an actual girl, which means Regan has a transsexual brother. Often times, you'll find Luna in Regan's room hiding behind the shadow of Liam, the caricature that Luna made. She tries on Regan's dresses, different make up looks, clothes, and so on. In the poem above, I write how Luna longs to have Regan's body. Liam was born into the wrong body; the body betrayed who he was. The body didn't reflect his inner image. Internal or external, Liam/Luna were both great people that I have grown to love.
            When I read the pages towards the end of the book, I broke down. I started crying. I couldn't help it. The fact that Luna couldn't be accepted for who she was disappointed me a lot. There was that nasty aching feeling in my stomach when I read the letter that Luna left for Regan before she left to live a new life. In the poem, I wrote "all this hiding, it's not worth it anymore," because honestly, this hiding wasn't worth it. It caused more unneeded pain on both Liam/Luna. I disliked how his parent's were not supportive at all. I understand that it might be hard to accept the fact that your son is transsexual, but even after he straight up told you, wouldn't it be smart to put into consideration on how you should help him? Leaving Liam alone on this gender transition alone is horrible. I think that having no guardian support doesn't help the situation what so ever. I think it makes it worse. This makes the child question him/her whether they should really go through this transition. Next thing you know, this might even lead to suicide or depression or doubt.
            This inspired me to write a poem about Luna's emotions. I think I've done a good job capturing her feelings within a poem. It shows her wants in this world. I like the fact that I said "this isn't some alter ego" because it isn't. This isn't a joke to Luna. She really does want to be a girl. I feel that she feels that she isn't fully "complete" until she under goes this whole process of transformation into fully becoming a girl. To me, I don't think she's asking for too much. At the end of the day, Luna just wants to be accepted and loved. That's harder on her part since she doesn't have that comfort blanket over her.
            All in all, this book is wonderfully written. Knowing who you are and not doubting it makes Luna ten times as confident and it strengths her thoughts. After all, Luna is "a girl who can only be seen in the moonlight."

       

In Which I'm Stuck in a Hospital Bed With Creutzfelt-Jakob *BIG SPOILER ALERT. BE AWARE*

            Libba Bray's book, Going Bovine, is based on a some what troubled kid named Cameron Smith. Cameron encounters a bunch of predicaments in his average social misfit life. He's the kid that is scraping by to pass his classes, not interested in college, and suffers from family expectations constantly. His parent's are both professors. I guess the whole C+ student and underachieving thing makes sense now huh? Anyway, even though Cameron is suffering through these expectations that are placed down on him; he is also suffering from a mad cow disease for humans and lack of communication with his father.
            Cameron starts off in the book with a really bland and boring life. To be honest with you, he was a loser with an extremely popular sister. Cameron was diagnosed with a mad cow disease in a form that was for human beings. It's called Creutzfelt-Jakob, which is a neurological disease that affects your brain. These prions, which are infectious proteins, are making bad copies and destroying Cameron's brain overtime. He was told that there would be no cure for him and that he would die. Through the perspective of Cameron's eyes, you see a dramatic change in the mood. Before he even found out about this disease, Cameron was very humble and lived an average life. Throughout the book, Cameron sees a punk angel and starts thinking he's crazy, but it turns out that she was just a messenger for Dr.X. Dr. X, who has not be revealed who he exactly is, has the power and capability to help Cameron and keep him alive. He has the cure. I thought this was an extremely great hook to force Cameron on this mission.
            Like I said before, Cameron fears death. Just like him, I fear death more than anything in the world. Just kidding. I fear the dark, but honestly I do fear death. The fact that Cameron has this fantasized disease makes me wonder about those who have suffered from actual real life threatening conditions like cancer. The thought of death scares me. It makes me wonder how I would die later on in my life, but it also makes me wonder why we die. Why must we die? This thought is constantly something that I wonder. We all die in a point in our lives and that's just how life is. Or that is how we told life is. Why do we die? I can only imagine how it is even more frightening for children to think or hear about death.
          Frankly, I have plenty more pages to read from this book, which is wonderful because it keeps me on my feet. I'm afraid that I read too fast I will surpass the important random details to finishing Cameron's mission. Something that questions me now is whether or not Cameron will actually stay alive after this whole journey. Was Dulcie, the punk angel, just lying to him to get him to accomplish and finish this mission? This dark energy that possesses him seems so powerful and unrealistic, but realistic at the same time.